I found out today that my grandma may have lung cancer.

Awesome.

This day couldn’t get any better..

Seriously, all it takes is just one text to make me feel slightly better.

Don’t tell anyone about my tumblr.

Don’t tell anyone about what I post on tumblr.

That just defeats the purpose of my tumblr.

That’s bad.

Don’t do that.

Thanks.

Don’t you hate it when you have something really good going with your person of interest and then you start to worry about it?

Like, your head starts to give you these questions: What if things don’t work out? What if he finds someone else—someone way better than you? What if one day he wakes up and says “I don’t think I like her anymore.”?, What if it turns out like last time?

All these “what if’s” play in your head and it fills you with this horrible feeling. The feeling of being really insecure. 

I go through this on a day to day basis.

Right when I start to get really into a guy, I almost want to back off. Because these “what if’s” start echoing in my head. I begin to become scared and timid.

I don’t want to be hurt. So why do I put myself at risk of being hurt? Love is stupid. It’s such a game that I often lose. 

Why can’t I just feel confident? Why can’t I just say: I’M AMAZING AND THERE’S NO REASON FOR ME TO FEEL INSECURE. 

But instead, I allow my insecurities to get in the way of my own happiness. 

I want to be able to say: I deserve him, I’m worthy of a relationship, he does like me and why wouldn’t he?

But instead, I shrivel up and say: What makes me think I deserve him, what makes me think I’m worthy of a relationship and why would he like me? And, if he does, he probably won’t once he finds out who I really am. Once he finds out all my faults, and mistakes…

I’m this way because of experience. 

I’m this way because I’ve been broken down so much.

I don’t want to be hurt anymore. 

I’m afraid of being hurt again.

I have fallen so hard for him that now, as my insecurities begin to speak, I realize that no matter what, I’ll be hurt.

Unless it magically works out.

But things haven’t gone that way before so why should they now?

Aidan’s right. My posts are depressing.

But even that happiest of people can’t be happy all the time.

They’ve got their issues too.

I have fallen so hard for him and that scares me.

Okay. So it’s the weekend. I have nothing to do. When I have nothing to do, I have LOTS of time to contemplate. After all the contemplating I’ve done, this is what I have to say:

Fuck you.

You’ve made me feel like shit for six months. I’m done with that. You’re a dick and I don’t know why I’ve wasted so much time on you. You know, when I found out that you played my boyfriend in the show, I felt sick to my stomach because I knew that for the next three months, I had to act like I like you. 

You’re so full of yourself. Start considering other people, jerk! You’re always worrying about college apps, your grades, the way you look, what you have going on in your life and blah, blah, blah. TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU. LIFE ISN’T ALL ABOUT HOW SUCCESSFUL AND INTELLIGENT YOU ARE. SO GET OVER IT.

I can’t wait until graduation. Then I won’t have to see you, talk to you or ANYTHING.

By the way, stop taking sick days just because you didn’t finish your homework. Seriously? You are such a little boy. Face your imperfections. Face your problems. MAN UP.

Ugh. I just can’t stand you. You’re annoying. Go away.